Celebrity Visit

Every so often, celebrities visit Iraq. There are always rumors of musicians and comedians touring about, but I rarely if ever see them. Some celebrities make regular visits. Kid Rock will occasionally emerge from his trailer to try and sing for troops, why can’t a mortar land on THAT guy? Harsh, yes. He volunteers his time to entertain troops, but he got the name ‘Kid Rock’ by selling crack cocaine. Drug dealer = scum bag. And I’ve got news for him; if you’re from Detroit you will never be a cowboy! But I digress.

My first tour, there was a rumor that Robin Williams was in town. So I grabbed his “Live on Broadway” CD and ran off to see him. We waited for a half hour, and guess who showed up? The Sergeant Major of the Army and his singing neice. Not what I was expecting. I wanted a hairy man doing a gay John Wayne impression and I got “Oh Holy Night” and a lecture. Joy!

A few days ago, I walked into the quad and there was a table with three absurdly hot civilian women. What’s this? Absurdly hot women always get my attention. An impromptu USO tour had landed itself in the brigade headquarters. They weren’t scheduled to be here, they normally push out to the smaller patrol bases to visit Soldiers. Bad weather for the win!

Next to the absurdly hot women was a very large man, Diamond Dallas Page! Yes, the professional wrestler. I watched him on many a Monday night. The man is huge, he had his championship belt with him, and was taking pictures with Soldiers. What do I do? Will he hit me with a steel chair if I ask him nicely enough? People always get hit with steel chairs in professional wrestling, why don’t more sports do this?

I stopped at the absurdlies’, and got their autographs. One of them asked what I do out here, and I said that I take notes. Damn it! If ever there was a time to fib, that was it! ‘I research Iraqi personalities.’ ‘I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.’ ‘I kick ass and chew bubble gum, but I’m all out of gum!’ Bah.

Then, Diamond Dallas Page. I hoisted the belt over my shoulder, and posed with him. We did the “Diamond Cutter” move. I had my fingers in to begin with, but he tightened his grip around my neck and grumbled “Fingers out.” When a 6’6 250lb man who makes his living crushing people says ‘fingers out,’ you listen and you obey.



Also in line was a lieutenant who didn’t have a camera, so I got a picture of her. After the first photo, I told Diamond Dallas Page that she wanted a ‘head lock photo.’ Voila!



Lieutenants must be abused at all times. Builds character.
I do appreciate these visits. That celebrities keep visiting five years into the war shows support for our efforts. They may not care for the war, but they care for the Soldiers. We were buzzing the whole rest of the week about the visit. Some folks have the pictures with DDP or the absurdly hot women as computer wallpaper or tacked up on a wall near their work station.

Learning Arabic

I’m in Iraq, an Arabic speaking country, why not learn Arabic? It certainly helps with the job and the Iraqis appreciate it. How hard can it be?

Before I deployed, I spent a pretty penny on Arabic language learning software. I was rather perplexed, as the company offered ‘Levantine’
Arabic, ‘Egyptian’ Arabic and ‘Modern Standard’ Arabic. How many versions of one language can there be? Is there really that much of a difference? Why don’t they offer Iraqi Arabic? There’s a market.

English isn’t all that different from region to region. Someone from England (unless it’s a London Eastender) can reasonably understand someone from Texas. Moroccans and Iraqis should be the same, yes? No! Turns out Arabic varies widely from country to country region to region, etc. Moroccan Arabic is incomprehensible to Iraqis. Arabic in Mosul is different from Arabic in Basra.

During my first tour, there was a protest down at the main gate. The protesters were rowdy, but not violent. The commander went down and addressed the crowd through his interpreter, and told them to protest away from the main gate and remain calm. After the interpreter finished speaking, the crowd went crazy. Quizzical glances all around, but the interpreter said he translated everything correctly. The commander repeated his message to the crowd, and the crowd went ballistic. So the commander asked where the interpreter was from. Kuwait. The Iraqis heard the Kuwaiti accent and assumed that it was a Kuwaiti ordering them around. There’s some history between the two countries. The Iraqis hates Kuwaitis. Everyone in the Middle East hates the Kuwaitis. Well, everyone in the Middle East hates everyone else in the Middle East, but that’s another discussion.

Nowadays, accent can get you killed in Iraq. If you talk like someone from Sunni Mosul at the wrong illegal check point, Death Squad. If you talk like a Shi’a from Basra at the wrong illegal check point, Death Squad.

So, accent matters. I’ve been working through the ‘Levantine (Syria and Lebanon)’ lessons, and then practicing with the interpreters we have in the building. Apparently, Iraqis can barely understand anyone from Syria. Doh. And, a Syrian accent in Iraq is like a French accent in America. Would you take Arnold Schwarzenegger seriously if he had a French accent a beret? Then, there are a few regional differences.

Such as, ‘He is over there’ in Syrian is something very rude in Iraqi. The accent is different (apparently the Iraqi accent is admired for ruggedness) and many words are different. Like ‘laben.’ In Syria, ‘laben’ is milk. Nice, cold and refreshing milk. We had lunch with the Iraqis a little while ago, and there were pitchers of what looked like milk. I asked, and the Iraqis said it was ‘laben.’ Milk? Not so much. In Iraq, ‘laben’ is watered down yogurt mixed with salt. Yes, really. It tastes like evil. Ho ho, cultural learning is fun!

I’ve never managed to learn any language other than English. Why should I? I’m an American, damn it. I dabbled in French, Spanish, Japanese, Latin and German but I know next to nothing. Americans are almost in awe of people who can speak another language, but its second nature to the rest of the world. Lack of interpreters is a huge hindrance to Army operations. If we go to war with Venezuela, we’re good. 5 years at war in Iraq and we’re still scraping by for interpreters. Hello! McFly!
The military has language training schools for Arabic, but that school teaches Modern Standard Arabic (newscaster and literary Arabic) which is nigh-incomprehensible to a Baghdad street urchin. Then the United States Government hires civilian interpreters from Morocco or Sudan, who are nigh-incomprehensible to every other Arabic speaker in the world. The government pays six figures for interpreters that are essentially useless. Why? Because American pencil pushers assume Arabic is Arabic is Arabic.

One exception is Egyptian. The Egyptians make most of the TV shows and movies, so Arabic speakers the world over can pretty much understand Egyptian. Can Egyptians understand Iraqis? No.

So, back to me learning Arabic, I learn some Syrian and try it out on my Iraqi interpreters. After they make the universal ‘What the hell did he just say?’ face, I repeat myself in English and they tell me what I meant to say in Iraqi.

I never thought this would happen to me

During the flight back from yet another successful Entourage!, we had a most unusual experience. Our headquarters is on the Baghdad International Airport, the air is always full of Army helicopters and civilian aircraft.

We were on our final approach (why must they call it that?) to the landing zone, the helicopter stopped in mid air over the end of a runway. We often pause in the air for whatever reason, so I wasn’t especially concerned…Until!

I look out the window and see a giant civilian plane HEADING RIGHT FOR US.

Wow, not what I expected. I pointed at the rapidly approaching plane, and got the attention of my fellow passengers, who took turns pointing at the growing plane. Yes, that is a plane HEADING RIGHT FOR US. What do we do? Too high to jump for it, let’s keep pointing.

Let’s step back for a moment; this would be an embarrassing way to die. No one would ever forget it. For years, there people would whisper about the Great Helicopter Hit By a Flying Plane Debacle of ’08. The only way worse I can think of is to be hit by a mortar round while on a port-a-john.

Then the helicopter started moving…backwards…slowly. Giant plane HEADING RIGHT FOR US and we’re inching away. As the passenger, I have a sort of Zen peace about things. It’s not like I can jump in front and fly us out of danger. So I just sat there and watched the big McLarge huge plane and wondered if my life insurance would pay double for all of this.

At last, the plane banked off. I guess the air traffic controllers finished their tea and goat biscuit break.

Once clear of the helicopters, I asked my fellow passengers and confirmed that, yes, there was a plane HEADING RIGHT FOR US.

Just another day. Maybe next time flying monkeys will pelt me with crap. Nothing surprises me anymore.

Get to the Choppa!

Some times the Entourage! duty is an adventure.

One day, a general in charge of a committee somewhere in the bowels of Washington D.C decided to visit out little piece of Iraq. No problem, we’ll meet him whenever and wherever he wants. We would meet him at one of our smaller FOBs and let the general look at a real Iraqi, maybe drink some tea. But, the weather was bad that morning and the meeting was scrubbed.

Until! The Colonel’s schedule maven grabs me and says the meeting is back on and we’re leaving in like five minutes.

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

I throw my 50ish pounds of gear on and run out to the waiting helicopters. A quarter mile jog in full gear is no fun at all. Grab a 45 pound plate the next time you run on a tread mill, you’ll have a great work out or die. Most infantrymen carry more weight longer and further than I do, bless their hearts.

The helicopters zip us out to the base…and no general. Somehow the weather went bad again during our flight. So, we chat with the soldiers and head out to look at a cache site. The terrorist asshats buried explosives and munitions in the floor of a chicken farm. All the bits that go boom were gone by the time we got there, but we looked at the holes in the ground. No chickens were harmed during the course of the operation.

I got a few action photos of the holes and then we got a call from headquarters. The general is waiting for us back in our conference room back at the airport!

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

The only thing that can fluster a full bird colonel is if a general is waiting on him. My boss is shorter than I am, but I think he has bionic legs. He manages to speed walk at an Olympic pace. As such, I stay in eyeshot of him at all times, because if I lose sight of him he’ll warp to a waiting helicopter and I get to spend the night with Iraqis.

We load up the vehicles, race back to the base and run (again) to the helicopter. By this time, the weather was questionable, so the pilots decided to fly entirely too fast and entirely too low. During a normal flight, I look like this:



On the day the pilots flew at warp factor 2 ten feet above the ground:



Giggle! I guess they wanted to stay ahead of the weather, or the general told them to get the colonel to the meeting ASAP.

We made it back and I spent the rest of the day mumbling to myself and glaring at anyone in a flight suit.

Leap Years

Who came up with Leap Years? Let’s just tack on another day to February, maybe it has month length envy and the ACLU arranged same compensation. A complete revolution around the sun takes 365.25 days, so if we don’t do Leap Years then eventually we’ll celebrate the 4th of July in the middle of winter. Who wants that? I think the Romans finally put an end to that madness. Well, their perfect calendar has ruined my day. Thanks, Caesar!

February 29th is always a weird day for me. I look at the calendar and something strikes me as…odd. February has 28 days! Should this day really be happening? What if something anniversary worthy happens today? How can I celebrate it next year? Do people get married on February 29th? Does that save money on flowers?

The last time I was in Iraq was 2004, which was a Leap Year. I’m back for 2008 and yet another Leap Year with a day added to my time in Iraq. When you’re on a salary, an extra day does nothing for your bank account.

There is a very small benefit. Soldiers received $3.50 a day in per diem. The money is supposed to cover toiletries and such while deployed. But, we don’t get that money until after the deployment. Last tour, I kept a running total of how much money we made in per diem. It was a fun mind game that kept me busy. Day 215….that’s $725.50. So, this Leap Year day means an extra $3.50 when I get home. Huzzah! That might cover a gallon of gas.

Iraq Music (Warning! Long and un-funny)

We listen to a lot of music out here. My fellow office ground hogs plug in iPods or load their work computers with years’ worth of music. For the guys out on the FOBs (smaller bases) they won’t listen to music while on patrol, but headphones are a great way to snatch some personal time when you’re surrounded by Dudes 24/7.

Previous wars have sound tracks all their own. “Good Morning Vietnam” is full of songs synonymous with Vietnam. The Gulf War has that Lee Greenwood song and Whitney Houston singing the National Anthem. But what about this war? I don’t know if any song jumps out at people as “Iraq War” of “Afghan War.” But, here are the songs I think describe the deployments. I limited the selection to songs released from 9/11 onwards.

Disturbed: Sacred Lie
OK, there are no WMD in Iraq. We’ve looked. As such, the very rationale that drove us into Iraq is defunct, much to my chagrin.

My conviction is stronger today
As I fight to uncover your sacred lie
And the fear isn't going away
As the soldiers still die
Let your followers know their lives have been sold
For the good of your sacred lie
For the truth to be told
And the plan to unfold
We must start asking why

Don't you know the war is far from over now
What a stumbling block we've fallen over now
As our brothers die defending no one
The war is far from over now

Liberation, a moral charade
For the cause is a part of your sacred lie
Damnation a moment away in all the world's eyes
It's the doom of us all
We give in to control for the sake of your sacred lie
Complications abound
You'll get used to the sound of alarms in your life

Don't you know the war is far from over now
What a stumbling block we've fallen over now
As our brothers die defending no one
The war is far from over now

Give us a moment of peace in our lifetime [x7]
Give us a moment of peace right now

[x2]
Don't you know the war is far from over now
What a stumbling block we've fallen over now
As our brothers die defending no one
The war is far from over now

Disturbed: Overburdened
Guilt is a Soldier’s enemy.

Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
I may never know for certain
When will be my time
How was I considered evil?
Pleasures taken in this life
Someone granted me reprieval
Decades spent in strife

Led to nothing
Repeated in my mind
Led to nothing
If only I was born another time

Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
Hell is still overburdened
How have I been so determined malign?

It's the closing of the curtain
In the play that was my life
Countless chapters left unopened
Tragedies inside
I was fighting for a reason
Holy blessed homicide
Seems I have committed treason
All I've sacrificed

Led to nothing
Repeated in my mind
Led to nothing
If only I was born another time

Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
Hell is still overburdened
How I have been so determined malign?
Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
Hell is still overburdened
How I have been so determined malign?

Fate is so unkind
Now I should have known
Blind leading the blind
Reaping what I've sown
If it all amounts to nothing
Why, then, am I standing in this line?

Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
Hell is still overburdened
How I have been so determined malign?
Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
Hell is still overburdened
How I have been so determined malign?

3 Doors Down: Here Without You
I remember listening to this song Christmas ’03. An emotional kick in the nuts. For family members, but this is probably the best candidate for the “Iraq War” song.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Bon Jovi: Undivided
Ah, a wonderful war anthem by everyone’s favorite Italian cowboy.

That was my brother lost in the rubble
That was my sister lost in the crush
That was our mothers, those were our children
That was our fathers, that was each one of us
A million prayers to God above
A million tears make an ocean of

[Chorus:]
One for love
One for truth
One for me, one for you

I found spirit, they couldn't ruin it
I found courage in the smoke and dust
I found faith in the songs you silenced
Deep down it's ringing out in each of us
Yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus:]
One for love
One for truth
One for me, one for you

Where we once were divided, now we stand united
We stand as one... undivided.
How many hands? How many hearts?
How many dreams been torn apart?
Enough, enough... the time has come to rise back as

[Chorus:]
One for love
One for truth
One for me, one for you

Where we once were divided now we stand united
We stand as one... undivided.

Undivided.
Undivided.

One for love
One for truth
One for me, one for you
Where we once were divided, now we stand united
We stand as one... undivided.

Daughtry: It’s Not Over
Iraq continues, but it must end well. I am back for another tour, and if we do our job well this may be the last major deployment.

I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
We'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Taken all I could take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong, holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
'Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Let's start over.
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Evanescence: Bring Me to Life
This was our favorite song in 2003. I saw Evanescence in concert a few weeks before we deployed, and they were most entertaining.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)


Live: What Are We Fighting For
I listen to this song during trips to the gym. I think of 9/11 and the terrorists responsible for the attack.

Battle flag in the bassinet
Oil and blood on the bayonet
Crowded downtown hit the floor
What are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

The world got smaller but the bombs got bigger
Holocaust on a hairpin trigger
Aint no game so forget the score
What are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

What will I tell my daughter?
What will you tell your son?
Where were all the doves?
That we were nothing but a shadow,
a faceless generation devoid of love?

The crucifix ain't no baseball bat
Tell me what kind of God is that?
Ain't nothing more godless than a war
So what are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

What will I tell my daughter?
What will you tell your son?
Where were all the doves?
That we were nothing but a shadow,
A faceless generation?

What are we fightin' for?

Metallica: The Unnamed Feeling
A song about PTSD. Psychic damage is unavoidable in any war, I don’t think this is much of a contender.

Been here before couldn't say i liked it
Do i start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can't you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, Heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
and if i could i'd turn my eyes
to look inside to see what's comin'

It comes alive, it comes alive
and i die a little more
It comes alive, it comes alive
Each minute i die a little more
ooh i die i die i die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
it comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
takes me away

I'm frantic in your soothing arms
i can not sleep in this down filled world
i've found safety in this loneliness
But i can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart hope not to die
swallow evil, ride the sky
lose my self in a crowded room
you fool you fool it will be here soon

It comes alive, it comes alive
and i die a little more
It comes alive, it comes alive
Each minute i die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
it comes alive
then the unnamed feeling
treats me this way
and i wait for this train
toes over the line
and then the unnamed feeling
takes me away

Get the Fuck out of here
i just wanna get the fuck away from me
i rage i glaze i hurt i hate
I hate it all Why?Why?Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
i wanna cry, i wanna scream
i rage i glaze i hurt i hate
i wanna hate it all away!

The Messenjah
I listened to this song just before my trips on Route Irish back in ’03-’04.

I message, written in rhyme, prophetic
Teachers amongst the skeptics and guiding the misdirected
Infected with their lies and their alibis
With their third eye blind, out of line, they try to prophesy
I and I unfold the mysteries told
From the futuristic realms to the days of old
Make straight through the path of the one voice calling
Truth shines, back again two times in the Second Coming

[b-section:]
I am the Messenjah [x 4]

[chorus:]
This I pledge, and I'll take it to my death
I'll lay my life down for you and die over again
I and I, I'm not ashamed of the Most High
Even if I die tonight, if I die tonight
This I pledge, and I'll take it to my death
You can bet your life on my words and everything I said
You can't take away my love for this sacrifice
Even if I die tonight, if I die tonight

True king descendant, master to the apprentice
Pleased to release and reveal in me His presence
Forever blessed, I believe if Jah said it
The word of life came alive in the scriptures ?C I read it
All hail, we prevail, the Tribes of Israel, flow through ya
We pursue the conquering lion of the Tribe of Judah
Don't let 'em fool ya, before this, the foolish get rushed
So don't slop, you never knew us

[b-section]

Powerman 5000: Free
The Army breeds frustration.

Let's go!
Everybody needs to start their own fire
Everybody needs a riot of their own
Everybody needs to be something that they are not
Everybody needs to go it alone

Because!
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Okay!
All the time spent hanging on to anything
All the time spent knowing that they're wrong
All the time wasted, stolen back, innocent
You won't get a second more so move it along

Because!
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Wishing and hoping and thinking it's you
That's got this all under control
Never a minute has passed you all by
When they haven’t invaded your soul

It’s not something you can hold
It’s not something you own
It's not something you can buy or steal
You've got it when you're alone

Being free is a tragedy
When you don't know yourself
Being free is a tragedy
When you don't know who you are

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't be what you want to be
Living so free is a tragedy
When you can't see what you need to see

Let's go!
Hey, hey, hey!
Alright then
This is the story of your life man

(And in other places around the world,
It's growing clear that the americans are trigger happy)

Switchfoot: Meant To Live
Another song about frustration.

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

[Chorus]
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

Three Days Grace: Time Of Dying
This song clicked for me, as it captured the relationship I envision for two characters in a book/comic I’ll write one day.

My unit lost a soldier on the first day we assumed control of our area. She was a support platoon leader, and her fiancée was her battalion S1 (Adjutant, personnel manager). He learned of her death when they read her battle roster number over the radio.

On the ground I lay
Motionless in pain
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
Dead I fall asleep
Is this all a dream
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare

I will not die (I will not die)
I will survive

I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying

On this bed I lay
Losing everything
I can see my life passing me by
Was it all too much
Or just not enough
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare

I will not die (I will not die)
I will survive

I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying

I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying

Yarr! Off to Ali Babba's DVD Emporium!

“Intellectual property” has no real meaning in the Middle East. While the West prizes copyrights, Iraqis pirate everything. Yarr!

This means cheap and current movies available for the low low price of three bucks a pop. If a movie is out more than a week, I can probably get it at the local pirate mart. Wow, how convenient! But there are risks.

Sometimes a DVD is of…dubious quality. How do you think they get most of these movies? For the most part, some guy records the movie on his trusty hand held camera and then loads the digits onto a few thousand DVDs. Every heard awesome sound from a home movie? Didn’t think so. I love it when the pirate eats popcorn, and we see his arm moving in front of the screen over and over again. Or a pair of jabbering nitwits sit behind the pirate and do their best Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot impression. What’s the pirate going to do? “Hey, keep it down! I’m violating international copyright laws!”

Every so often I can pick up a jewel of a copy, actual DVD quality…and then “For Your Consideration” pops up halfway through the movie. For events like the Academy Awards, film makers send the voters a copy of a nominated movie for their…yeah. Then those DVDs end up in the wrong hands, much to my enjoyment.

So, first run movies for three bucks, and I can keep the DVD. Score!

The best bit is for TV seasons. Pirates can squeeze every single episode of Seinfeld (ever!) onto a half dozen disks with decent quality. If you buy the entire Seinfeld collection at Wal-mart, it might run you 500 dollars. Iraq? 30! Want every Ben Affleck movie (ever!)? 25 bucks! Makes you wonder what kind of profit actual companies pull down for each DVD they sell.

When a movie is terrible by anyone’s standards, I tell myself that it was a three dollar gamble, no big loss. Plus, this is the only way I can stomach Uwe Boll films. Uwe Boll is the world’s worst director. I don’t know how he does it, but each film he makes is worse than his last. His abysmal “Bloodrayne” movie cost 40 million to make, and pulled in 2 million dollars at the theaters. I was one of the few who paid to see it in the theater. When Boll’s “In the Name of the King” and “Bloodrayne 2 (Why God? Why?)” blipped in the theaters, I spent all of six dollars on that rubbish. Uwe Boll will never see a penny of that money! Take that Herr Director!

Why watch movies I know are terrible? I write screenplays, and it helps to see people with no talent whatsoever making movies. If I have a shred of talent, then there’s hope for me.

Perhaps I should feel a manner of guilt over all this, but I’m in Iraq. We can’t bring these movies home, and I can’t watch the movies on the big screen as there are no theaters. So, does Hollywood lose any money when I buy Star Trek: Deep Space Nine for 40 dollars? Nah. I will buy many of these movies on Blu-Ray soon as I’m home.