Friday, December 21, 2007

Iraqi Food

Iraqi food is a fact of life. Duh, but after 4000ish years of civilization Iraq would develop dishes more…advanced.

I’ve traveled to many countries, and experienced all manner of foreign cuisine. Squid in Japan? No problem. Horse meet in Europe? A1 sauce! Then I get to Iraq and we have this:

What the hell? Remember that scene in Alien 2 where the android dude was dissecting the face hugger? Doesn’t this look just like that?!

Not only do we have to eat it, but Iraqis aren’t too big on utensils. They rip it apart with their right hand (they really do wipe with their left. Yes. Really.) and mash the goat, bread and rice together then shovel it down.Yum-o!

However, there is an interesting cultural dynamic at work. Since you can’t use your left hand, Iraqis will nudge their buddies with an elbow, then the buddy will grab a hold of the goat/mutant corpse while the first person rips off more succulent flesh. Bam! So, there’s some community building going on. Next week you might run into Achmed, the guy who helped you eat a camel.

The Iraqis are nuts about this stuff, I am not. But, for the sake of international relations I will do my best to enjoy it. Until time comes to eat this:

The Pita Mush of Death. I stared at this substance for a good ten minutes wondering what the hell they did to perfectly good bread. I still don’t know. I think they marinated it in baby poop and lamb urine before sneezing on it. If anyone knows what the hell this is, let me know.
The Iraqis have chicken, why can’t they serve that?

When we bring the Iraqis in to the FOB for mess hall food, they only ask one question: Who cooked the food? If we tell the truth and tell them a bunch of Indians (dot, not feathers), they won’t touch it. Indians are not ‘People of the book’ like Christians, Jews and Muslims, and considered ‘unclean’ by the people who wipe their ass with their hands…did I type that? Yes I did. Moving on. If an Indian cooked it, they won’t eat it. So we just lie and tell them Pakistanis or Bangladeshis are the cooks.

This country doesn’t need schools and a thriving economy, they need a frigging McDonalds, maybe an Outback. Even the mud huts have satellite dishes, wonder if they get the Food Network.

I will caveat my rant with this, the Iraqis are very hospitable when they aren't trying to blow you up.


Anonymous said...

You racist bastard i hope you rot in hell dipshit. This stuff actually tastes good. When i see a hot dog i don't go around telling people its a penis in a bun.

Anonymous said...

ya bro you are a straight up are a culturally narrow minded racist.